Reports indicate that surgeons have worked to tie a gastric tourniquet on JD’s gullet, and that he is now working with Rick Smith on his swing. I’ve always been a big John Daly fan. He possesses that Everyman quality that makes his life a morality play in motion. If he re-adopts his stylish mullet, I’m sure he could return to his old self and go low.

As I regale in the majesty that is the 2009 Masters Tournament, my thoughts turn to the time honored traditions of this great game of golf. I tend to think about the storied history, the celebrated champions, and the fact that I have never used a caddy for a round of golf.

I am never more aware of the caddy, per se, then when it is Masters’ time. The other tournaments see fit to let the caddies maintain a code of casual wear in order to stay cool and comfortable while lugging 40 pounds of iron for 18 holes. However, the masters of “The Masters” require that these minions in metal wear a uniform – the obligatory white overalls with the player’s names printed in green letters across the back. The last time I saw so many monochromatic overalls in one place was when I did sixty-days in county lockup… my lawyer assured me it was going to be a “country club,” but I knew it was going to be the kind of place where I would want to avoid having any “holes” played… I digress, sorry.

To be sure, the caddy must take on multiple roles throughout a round of golf – acting as the shallow-land shirpa, psychologist, and scapegoat. I like the sound of scapegoat best; and I believe that it’s high-time I hold someone else responsible, for mis-clubbing me, for mis-reading my putts, and for letting me wear these pants with those shoes. In addition, I remember hearing somewhere once that golf is supposed to be a gentleman’s game; and as a supposed gentleman, I should never ever have to engage in any form of physical labor – pushing, pulling, or carrying stuff is strictly the work of my trusty valet.

You say, “Get a motorized cart.”

I say, “As a gentleman, I shall still require the services of a chauffer.”
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